By Thea Chimento
It’s getting into Pentecost season, which for many of our congregations means a Baptism Sunday is on the horizon. Since we can’t be together to worship right now, I wanted to share one of my favorite memories from happier times, about a baptism that went hilariously sideways. Some identifying details have been obscured, but the story itself is true.
It was about 10-ish years ago at a Church That Shall Remain Nameless. I had not long been sojourning with the Episcopal Church, and in my tradition of origin we didn’t do baptisms on specified feast days and we certainly didn’t do them in public. So I was surprised that anyone would subject themselves to a public dunking.
There were about 10 kids getting baptized, and the families were all lined up in order in front of the font. Bringing up the rear was a three- or four-year-old little guy in seersucker short pants and suit jacket and one of those bowl cuts that looks vaguely adorable on very young children but totally obnoxious by the time they hit five. All the other kids were infants, which is to say that some of them slept through the whole thing and some of them were protesting loudly.
Our hero watched the ceremony with the somewhat amused, contemptuous air appropriate to one who has graduated to the privileges attendant on wearing Pull-Ups and independent locomotion and knows it. This, he seemed to say, is what happens to you when you are small and weak and potato-like. Your parents stuff you into a stupid white dress, and cheerfully hand you over to a person in funny clothes, who gives you a bath in front of a bunch of people. Doubtless this is how they select the passive sheep suitable for adult manipulation, whereas I, he thought proudly to himself, would choose death before such dishonorable treatment.
The deductive reasoning skills of this small child being apparently above average, it eventually dawned on him that it was a little odd that he was in the same line as all the larval humans receiving this undignified treatment, while the kids his own age were all hanging out in the pews. Surely, if he were being honored in a manner commensurate with his status as One Who Is Toilet-Trained, he would be with his peers, watching the gladiatorial contest from the seats of the Colosseum, as it were, rather than the piste.
He began to saunter over towards the pews with the other kids, hands in pockets. His fate, however, was sealed. His mother bent swiftly, snatched him by the suit collar and tugged him back to her side.
What first could perhaps be excused as natural if contemptible maternal anxiety quickly assumed more sinister proportions. Again our young hero sauntered over towards where his peers were congregated, and again he was swiftly recalled. He shook off his mother’s hand and yet again made for the pews, his mother yet again abruptly arresting his progress. Like Isaac on Mt. Moriah, the scales fell from our hero’s eyes as he realized the sacrifice he assumed had been prepared was, in fact, himself.
Some children might have collapsed in a wailing temper tantrum. But our hero was made of sterner stuff. If he had to go, by God! he would not go quietly. He threw one calculating, withering glance at his mother and took off running as fast as his fat little legs would carry him, yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs.
He streaked down the aisle like Usain Bolt setting a new world record for the 100-metre sprint, legs flashing in the light from the stained-glass windows. His mother, who was marking the occasion by wearing fabulous 5-inch heels, was not in any shape to catch him, and the congregation was too shocked to stop him. On he ran, down the main aisle, out the narthex doors and into the sunlight.
His one tactical mistake was in not hanging a right past the font and heading for one of the side doors where there was no usher. For a brief, shining moment, the sun lit him up as he made his way out into the courtyard. But Fate is cruel. The usher standing outside the main doors, a tall and muscled young man with a vaguely military bearing, swiftly stuck out a foot, and our hero went sprawling.
The usher tried to pick up the child; our hero, being well-schooled in guerilla toddler resistance, instantly went limp in the classic dead weight technique. The usher’s Military Occupational Specialty had apparently been toddler counterinsurgency tactics, because he calmly grabbed the child by his shoulder and opposite hip and carried him football-style back to the font, with our hero kicking, flailing, and screaming “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”
Our hero was flailing so hard that the priest could not hold him; instead, the (very patient) usher lifted the child up to the font, still screaming. The priest faced up to his duty, gently pushing the child’s head down towards the font. Our hero began shaking his head, bobbing and weaving in an effort to avoid the priest’s hand. Not for him the lamb-like submission. He howled defiance in the face of certain death. They would kill him; but the world would bear witness to his fate.
“Chester Damien (“NO! NO! NO!”), I baptize thee (“NO!”) in the name of the Father (“NO!”), and of the Son (“NONONONONO!!”), and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” (“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”) In one final indignity, his parents held his head still while the priest applied the chrism. “Chester Damien, thou art sealed by the Holy Spirit (“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”) and marked as Christ’s own forever. (“NOHOOOOOO!”) Amen.”
It was done. He had suffered the deepest betrayal yet known to him; he stood unsupported by kith or kin; the world had been revealed as a dark, devouring place where the best are cut down in their prime because little minds cannot bear to see them succeed. And yet his head was bloody but unbowed. His body had been subdued; but his soul was unconquered. His valiant doomed struggle would be long remembered.
That kid is probably now in high school, and I bet the story of his baptism is one that gets brought up at family gatherings, and will be forever, world without end, amen. And I’m sure that by now “the Holy Spirit, who [began] a good work in him, continue[s] to direct and uphold [him] in the service of Christ and his kingdom.” But I hope that somewhere in his heart, there is a secret sense of pride that all the forces of the Church Militant could not conquer such a one.
Thea Chimento is a public servant and a member of St. Anne’s Episcopal Church in Annapolis, Md. This story was originally published on the Episcopal Café website, www.episcopalcafe.com. Follow us on social media