a poetic reflection on Psalm 5: “Create in me a clean heart, O God; And renew a right spirit within me.”
Every Sunday
as I pour water over my fingers
and shake them over the lavabo
these few words
are the ones I use
before I lean into the mystery of the Eucharist,
to preside.
Sometimes I say them aloud, reverently and with piety,
on the weeks the liturgy is going without a hitch
and we look so high church
it would make the National Cathedral jealous
and the liturgy feels big and perfect.
Other times, there’s only room to see them like flash cards,
a chyron scrolling across my brain
when there’s the occasional mild chaos…
Those times when the dance of getting things ready
around the altar isn’t going so smooth,
and I’m comforting someone
who’s upset with themselves
that they didn’t do something “right”,
and I smile…and tell them
that Jesus always shows up anyway.
I remind myself from time to time
that the words are not a magic incantation
to make me all clean and pure somehow.
Instead, they are for me
an invocation of the Trinity,
the ones who are really doing the heavy lifting at the Eucharist.
Create–the hand of the Creator,
the one who made the bread and wine.
Clean–the divine embrace of the Son,
the one who cleanses hearts and provides the grace,
the bridge between the unattainable divine and me.
Renew–the mysterious breath of the Holy Spirit,
the most secret of secret ingredients
coming down from above,
embedding herself in the elements
without baking, stirring, or whipping.
I’ve prayed those words
and danced this dance
at so many altars
as an interim priest,
no two alike,
with so many folks
who danced this dance with me
fully knowing someday I’ll say goodbye
and ride off into the sunset
in my rootless, High Plains Drifter kind of way.
Some of the faces
I remember around those altars
are now in the company of saints.
Some are still there, but I am not…
and yet they are all there with me
when the words come from my lips
or spin around in my brain
when there’s too much distraction to say them.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God;
And renew a right spirit within me.”
Maria Evans splits her week between being a pathologist and laboratory director in Kirksville, MO, and gratefully serving in the Episcopal Diocese of Missouri , as Interim Priest at Trinity Episcopal Church in Hannibal, MO.
